Eating disorders don’t just affect the person with the condition, friends and family can be affected too – feeling helpless and heartbroken, as they watch their loved one struggle.
Supporting a partner (your significant other - so they could be your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife) who is struggling with an eating disorder can be difficult but by learning about eating disorders you can help your partner navigate their journey toward recovery.
If you’ve noticed changes in your partner and you’re worried they may have an eating disorder, take a look at our ‘when should I be worried about someone’s eating’ page.
One of the first steps you should take to support your partner if they have, or think they have an eating disorder, is to learn about eating disorders and how they can affect people.
Eating disorders are not all about food but are typically about feelings (if someone has ARFID this can be different and sometimes more to do with sensory-based avoidance, trauma and more). The way the person treats food may make them feel more able to cope, or may make them feel in control, though they might not be aware of the purpose this behaviour is serving. An eating disorder is never the fault of the person experiencing it, and anyone who has an eating disorder deserves support to help them get better.
The eating disorder can be a coping mechanism. For some people, their relationship with food becomes a way to exert control in their life. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, without judgement, and without attempting to “fix” or “solve” the issue.
You may be wondering how to approach the situation and how to talk to your partner about their disordered eating. They may not think they have a problem, but it’s important to voice your concerns and let them know you’re there for them as they may open up to you in time.
You should take a look at the e-learning modules we have available on POD, our platform for those supporting someone with an eating disorder. Our understanding eating disorders, motivational interviewing and stages of change modules may be particularly helpful as these modules both discuss how best to communicate when faced with impossible questions from the eating disorder.
You should ensure your partner feels able to talk to you about the difficulties they’re experiencing. Avoid making comments about their appearance, weight, or eating habits, as this can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, or defensiveness. Instead, focus on creating a space where your partner can express their feelings without fear of judgement. Reassure them that you are there for them and that they are valued, loved and worth more than their eating disorder.
Recovery is possible, but it can be a long and non-linear journey with setbacks. Our ‘Understanding the recovery journey’ page can help you manage your expectations around recovery and when your partner enters treatment. We also have modules on POD that will help learn more about what to expect.
If your partner has not already contacted their GP, encourage them to do so. You can order our free resources via our website that you can take with you to the GP, such as our GP leaflet.
Try not to push too hard but encourage them that the sooner they make an appointment and engage in treatment, the sooner they’ll recover. Set boundaries around what is acceptable in your relationship and encourage your partner to take responsibility for their recovery. This can be difficult, but it's essential to help them recognise that they must be active participants in their recovery journey. You could also offer to attend appointments with them if they need you there for support. Let them know that you’re there for them and are willing to support them every step of the way.
You may feel like your relationship has changed and that the eating disorder is causing a rift between the two of you. It’s important to remember that their behaviour is a symptom of the eating disorder, rather than who they are. It’s the eating disorder talking. The person who they were before the eating disorder is still there, but the eating disorder is preventing them from being themselves.
Remember eating disorders are isolating and secretive illnesses by nature and often cause feelings of low self-esteem and a distorted perception of body size and shape. This may impact physical or emotional intimacy, and so it’s important to communicate how you’re both feeling about this.
Supporting a partner with an eating disorder can take a toll on your own mental health. It’s important to look after yourself too, especially if you feel overwhelmed. Lean on friends and family and seek professional support for yourself if you need to. Let your workplace know that you’re supporting your partner with an eating disorder as they may be able to offer you support – you may find our ‘Worried about someone at work’ webpage helpful for this.
Our Helplines are here for you if you need practical advice on how to support your partner and how to find support. Our POD platform also has e-learning modules that you may find helpful and every Monday we host an expert chat where you can chat to a clinician and ask questions.