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All of a sudden, those good intentions have turned into an obsession. You look at the numbers, fixate on them. The number of calories eaten, the number of calories burned, and the amount of time exercised, the number on the scale, the number on the food scale, the number on your clothes.
Christmas has always been a very busy and exciting time for me. Singing with my church choir, playing at events with the school orchestra – there was an endless number of things that I looked forward to. Many involved food and going out for meals, which I also loved to do.
When I was a teenager, members of my family – parents and aunts – grumbled daily about what they alleged was wrong with me. This included my weight and size. “Hefty” and “solid” are to this day words that make me wince.
Just like every other human emotion and experience, eating disorders are full of colour, chemicals, and different combinations. No two experiences are the same.
The run up to Christmas can be really exciting: preparing for holidays, time with family and friends, parties, presents and often lots of food. But that excitement can be equalled and even overshadowed by worry, guilt, resentment and panic.
As with mental illnesses in general, responsibility is a major issue when it comes to eating disorders.
If it hadn’t been for the NHS, we wouldn’t have been able to access the care my daughter got; we couldn’t have afforded it.
Once upon a time I'd be writing this letter to a friend. Comfort me. Tell me it will be OK. Whisper words into my ear that I can still succeed.
Eating disorders can't be defined precisely; everyone’s illness is different and it's impossible for anyone to understand every symptom and every struggle.
I've seen both sides of this awful spectrum & every stage in between. But hey, I’m still here. I’m still smiling and I’m still fighting.
The thought of recovery is scary, but I’ve got further than I ever dreamed of, and you can too.
But what is it like to live with an eating disorder? I often hear 'you don’t look like you have an eating disorder'.