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As I eat and function normally and crave that as a healthy human, this demonic part of my brain still pulls me back like an annoying toddler craving attention.
My battle with anorexia and bulimia made me lose my identity. Recovering from an eating disorder seemed very daunting and overwhelming but I knew it was something I had to do.
I had never done anything like this before in my life and knew that it would be so rewarding to push myself while helping others.
Shifty and devious anorexia is a master at disguise. Slotting itself nicely into societal norms, the morning gym session or missed breakfasts go unnoticed or are glorified by others in pursuit of aesthetic perfection.
I've had EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), for twelve years now. Although first diagnosed as anorexic binge purge subtype, my habits and behaviours were constantly changing as the years went by.
Eating disorder vs. recovery isn’t as simplistic as poorly or not. It’s a grey fuzzy line and an uphill battle. I understand that you don’t have any energy or drive at the moment but step by step you can rebuild your life.
Climbing mountains was often a metaphor for challenge and achievement – especially Everest – but not every challenge was proportional. Bulimia was a completely different mountain.
Being open and owning my transition helped me get through it. My eating disorder has been a completely different story.
I needed to find some way to disappear and become inconsequential, as if I did society maybe wouldn’t notice the disability. The eating disorder was the only way I could see to do this.
I always questioned “will I be taken seriously” or “perhaps I’m a just greedy person” or “everyone gets low and comfort eats” or “how can I have a disorder when I seem to have a normal life”.
The myths of eating disorders are stopping people getting help. These myths are making people more ill and in my case these myths destroyed my 17-year-old life.
It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly when I first experienced symptoms. It feels like I’d been living with binge eating disorder as long as I could remember.