After a good three years of recovery from anorexia, my first thought whenever someone rejects me is: 'I wonder if they'd like me if I were thinner.'
I’ve worked tirelessly in day care, private therapy and on my own to get as “recovered” as I can possibly be. I wasn’t content with surviving with an eating disorder. To me the mental torture and confines are the worst part, so a healthy body without a quality of life was not enough.
I believe no matter how hard it may be there will always be a way out. You don’t need anorexia to define who you are. It's okay to let it go.
My eating disorder, anorexia nervosa, started off in 2012 when I was at university. I was having flashbacks and nightmares; I felt very vulnerable.
On 8 July 2019, the Victoria Derbyshire show discussed the state of eating disorder treatment and the importance of family empowerment. One parent whose daughter has been ill with anorexia for eight years shares her experience.
Since turning 30, I have come to realise just how much of my life has been wasted and controlled by my eating disorder.
This young lady has an eating disorder and it's about time I stop being ashamed and hiding away.
I realised that in the past I did want to get better and be recovered but I wasn’t ready to face the fear, to accept the changes and battle against my eating disorder.
Sometimes, I look back at my young, innocent, happy, fit, strong, healthy, beautiful self and I wonder why I ever wanted to be anything else. Now I wish above anything to have this back.
There were two of me – there was Ana (the anorexia) and then there was the real me. I felt like I was being controlled by Ana, and the more food I ate the more my own personality came back.
Bulimia isn’t a disease or bug you just get over by taking antibiotics. It is a mental illness that takes over.
The first time my mum dragged me against my will to the GP to see why I was losing so much weight, to “knock some sense into me”, I was told that I “probably had an eating disorder”, but unfortunately I was “not thin enough to receive help”…