"Dear eating disorder" - Jess' story

Wed 25th Jan 2023

Dear eating disorder,

This is goodbye. I’m officially done with you; you promised me I was doing the right thing. You made me believe in you but really, you don’t make lives better: you destroy them.

When I listened to you, I wasn’t happy. You made me miserable, sad, and broken. I was constantly hurting and all of it was because of you. I was made to think I liked how you made me feel but it was an illusion. You didn’t want any good for me; all you wanted was to destroy me.

The truth is I am so much more then you made me think I am.

You can shout and scream all you want. I am very strong. I have proved that to myself, so I will hear you but I will not believe what you say. I will not do as you tell me and I will never ever trust your word over my own. So by all means try your worst I can handle it I don’t need you anymore and I’m not scared of not having you. What good are you anyways?

You never wanted the best for me. I have turned my life around and made the right choice even though it was a hard choice to make. I can honestly say I am proud of myself for making that choice, and I am also proud of myself for living through what you put me through. I didn’t deserve any of it nor did my loved ones. It’s about time I get to have what I deserve and I am making that happen. That choice is mine. I have the potential to do whatever it is that I want and no one, not even you, can stop me - even if it’s a mistake I make, I don’t care: life is meant to be made of mistakes... I mean that’s how we learn isn’t it?

You made me believe that I had control, but again that was a lie- everything you told me was a lie. You chose what I did and didn’t. I have control now. I get to choose, not you. I know you won’t give up. I know you’re going to shout and scream, so like I said, do your worst: I can handle it. I won’t believe you. I will not do as you say, and I’ll never ever trust your word over my own because mine means much more, and I want the best for myself.

When I look back at the time you controlled me, I can see nothing good came out of it. You broke me more than I ever thought anyone could. You made me feel like there wasn’t any way out and that my life was going to keep being with you. You kept shouting and screaming at a girl who was completely exhausted. But now, that girl is strong and can beat you. Beating you is so worth the exhaustion.

I have gained so much without you: I’ve gained happiness, enjoyment, excitement, confidence and my favourite one, living. I no longer just exist- I live. It is the most beautiful thing ever, because with living comes a whole host of opportunities, experiences, challenges, changes. Life is greater when you get to live it, and I am finally living my life.

You weren’t right about me. I am beautiful just the way I am, inside and out. I didn’t need to lose weight, but what I did need to lose was you. You were the one who was destroying me.

So this is goodbye. I don’t want you. I don’t need you: I will not do as you say. I will not believe you and I will never trust your word over my own. I no longer choose you. I choose recovery.

Yours truly,

Jess

If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this story, or are concerned for yourself or a loved one, you can find support and guidance on the help pages of our website.