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My story begins when I was 16 with a motivation to shift a few pounds to look ‘slimmer’ in prom photos. It became a monster of an eating disorder.
So I'm visiting the place where, in one respect, it all ended but, in another, where it all began.
It was a shock to be diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 32. I wasn’t a teenager, I didn’t see myself as skinny, I was still eating.
Anorexia isn’t the same for everyone, & whilst the majority of patients share negative attitudes towards food, it doesn’t manifest itself in the same ways.
I cannot cut food out of my life cold turkey, but I can manage the situation now. And for me, that management came through honesty, openness and sharing.
Some would be shocked and consider it a waste of NHS money if I told you I spent some sessions just sobbing or in angry silence, but that was what I needed.
I kept noticing all these small things that were building up over time, all the things that were indicating I was firmly on my way to recovery.
The realisation that I had no control over the one thing I clung on to so tightly was my breaking point.
If the community isn’t making you stronger & helping you then it no longer serves a purpose in your recovery, but you have the power to change that.
What may help, & what aided me in my recovery, was personifying the eating disorder – I chose to give mine the deliberately reductive moniker 'ED'.
I know it is up to me to destroy you. His fight alone would never win this war. But with him I do not face you alone.
It seems strange to write a letter to someone or something that isn’t a physical entity, but at the same time couldn’t be more real to me.