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My story begins when I was 16 with a motivation to shift a few pounds to look ‘slimmer’ in prom photos. It became a monster of an eating disorder.
So I'm visiting the place where, in one respect, it all ended but, in another, where it all began.
It was a shock to be diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 32. I wasn’t a teenager, I didn’t see myself as skinny, I was still eating.
I cannot cut food out of my life cold turkey, but I can manage the situation now. And for me, that management came through honesty, openness and sharing.
Anorexia isn’t the same for everyone, & whilst the majority of patients share negative attitudes towards food, it doesn’t manifest itself in the same ways.
I kept noticing all these small things that were building up over time, all the things that were indicating I was firmly on my way to recovery.
The realisation that I had no control over the one thing I clung on to so tightly was my breaking point.
If the community isn’t making you stronger & helping you then it no longer serves a purpose in your recovery, but you have the power to change that.
What may help, & what aided me in my recovery, was personifying the eating disorder – I chose to give mine the deliberately reductive moniker 'ED'.
There are a lot of things that often trigger people recovering from an eating disorder. Here are some of them.
I told my parents and they said they had suspicions but thought they'd know if something was wrong. A lot of people didn't know what to say.
I know I have to make my secret public for my own recovery & for the sake of everyone else feeling trapped by the stigma of mental illnesses.